With: Dr. Red Luke: Ph.D/B.V.D/No.I.D
W.M.W.U A&M University and
Cracker Jack University
Head of The Medical Malpratice Department
University of Matagorda Health Science and Research Center

Here are the first of The Hammer-Time Fishing Pages Series of helpful medical fishing tips for the avid Texas fishermen. Thanks to Dr. Red Luke on all of his help in making these pages more informative and useful to all of our readers.

Fish Hooks Embedded In The Angler

This is what we refer to in the medical field as one of the S.O.B (that really hurts) fishing injuries. The first course of action is assess the situation. See exactly where the fish hook is on your person and whether you will be able to extract the foreign object without assistance. If said hook is sticking into your body because of the action by some other angler in the boat. Then after uttering a number of expletives, we will not go into in these pages, turn to the person holding the other end of the line and deliver a forceful blow to either the chin or mid section of said party. If fishing hook in your body is there because of one of your infamous casting techniques, then before mentioned instructions may also apply here. Next course of action is to grab some of those old, stale, (preferable Falstaff or Billy) beers forgotten in one of the seat cushion from past fishing expeditions. We chose these name brand for their high content of alcohol for cleansing the wound and the fact nobody ever drinks this brand of beer anyway, hence the fact they are still in the boat cushions. After saturating the wound and using further expletives, if hook is not all the way the way through the skin, this is as good as time as any to do so. After uttering further curse words, liberally dose those needle nose pliers, (usually rusting away in the top tray of your tackle box) with the stale beer. Then with great care snip off the end of the barb of the hook and pull back through entry wound. If hook in question is some where on your body that unable you to reach by your self. Pour another one of those stale beers on your fishing partner until he regains conscienceness then have him assist you. Just remember (Hooks Don't Catch Fishermen, Fishermen Do!!!) (Click here to see Similar Page)

Fillet Knife Injuries

The second in our series as SOB'S injuries is wounds concerning fillet knife. Hopefully these are usually just puncture wounds that will not need any stitches for closure. Once again the old reliable Billy Beer can be used in this situation for cleansing the wound. If in fact the damaged area is more substantial and may need stitching or for the worst case scenario where a body part has actual been severed. Then quickly grab some ice from the fish box, being careful to wash away any fish slime that is sticking to the ice. Then find a zip lock baggy, if need be use the ones containing those stale bologna sandwiches that no one ever eats, and pack the severed body part on ice. Apply a pressure above the wound, fish stringer work well in these situations, as long as there not metal, and tightened until the blood flow subsides. As long as victim is bleeding hold injuries body part over the boat to help in chumming for fish. If the fishing is not going well then rush victim to nearest hospital for closure. If you are hammering the Trout and the fishing conditions are a once in a lifetime (literally) opportunity. Then a small size hook with 5lb. test line can be used to close wound until the fish stop biting!!! In reaching the dock victim should be rush to nearest emergency room, there should be sufficient time to clean the fish after this has been accomplished without taking the chance of spoiling the catch.

Finned By Hard Heads Or Other Spiny Ocean Inhabitants

The last in our series of SOB'S ( that really hurts) injuries. Great care should be observered when handling any type of species that have a tendency to inflict damages to one self when trying to unhook from your line. The use of gloves with a slip resistant palm surface will help in keeping those slipper fish under control. If after using the precautions you still find a fish sticking out the side of your hand immediately slap the fish against the boat until it becomes dislodged. Then proceed to slap the species against the hual of the boat until it is rendered unconscious, or life functions have ceased, (this will teach the fish not to go around sticking people any more), it also is helpful in relieve the pain in your brain synapses for a short period of time. Next if the species of fish is worth keeping throw into fish box, if not, stand up and in your best John Elway imitation chunk that burger as far as you can. For those you unfortunate enough to come across a sting ray while wade fishing there are not many options that the angler at his disposal. A good tongue lashing and a few slaps at the water with your rod (unless you have a $125.00 castaway rod then I wouldn't advice it) are your only alternatives. The wound should be cleansed thoroughly maybe this time with a little Jack Daniels, these tend to smart quite a bit, and a little internal cleansing would not hurt either.

Sea Sickness

Probably the most common of fishing related health illiness we will cover in these medical tips except for the last ailment on the bottom of the page. This condition tend to effect mostly novice fishermen and not much can be done to remedy this unfortunate situation except for time. Although there are over the counter products that can help alleviate some of the severity of these conditions, such as drama mine, and sea sick patches you wear behind you ear. In the case of the latter mention these patches are a sure give away for other parties on the boat to stay clear of you during rough seas. Although once you start hurling I sure they will be doing that anyway!! The other suggestion, although not a cure will at least take advantage of the situation. Once you see that said victim is going to be in this condition for the duration of the fishing trip. And the fishing is too good to head back to shore for a cancellation. Feed patient some thing that will help attract fish to the boat while he is heaving over the side. A good choice is something greasy, like pork chops, fried chicken, or hamburgers. If victim is really a good sport and you want to ensure of a good supply of fish to gather beneath your boat, try some of the frozen shrimp or squid this technique really sends out that dinner alarm and will keep patient hurling for hours. As a last resort have said victim consume mass quantities of alcohol. Although this will not settle his stomach, it does help his body conform to the swaying of the ship and hopefully he will eventually pass out. This technique is not recommended for the Captain, although there are a many a Captain that use this technique. Remember Boating and Alcohol don't mix!!! Have a designated driver before leaving the docks!!! (Click here to see Similar Page)

Drowning Victims

It is always a good idea to take a current course from the Red Cross on C.P.R. Although the actual situation may never arise where this knowledge is needed, it is always nice to know you have it if the occasion presents itself. We will not go into all the details of C.P.R in this article, these techniques should be learned from a professionally accredited course. We can go over some of the common sense details that ever boater should know. First get drowning victim out of water, (Duhh, you think)!! Next check for any foreign objects lodged in air way such as crabs, jellyfish, mullet, etc... Then lie victim prone on their back on the floor of the boat. Check for pulse and see if victim is breathing, if not C.P.R should begin immediately. Now comes the tricky part if patient is a stranger or brief acquaintance and is of the same gender as rescuer, then there may be hesitation before starting this next step. If patient is of the opposite gender and (Really Looka Great) then immediate mouth to mouth resuscitation is needed. Five, six, seven or whatever it takes, just to make sure the patient is breathing. Then three compression of the sternum to get the heart muscle to pump the blood. Then the ratio of five presses to two breaths should be continued till you reach a hospital or help arrives or you get really tired!!! If said victim is really gross then a good body slam should work just as well!!!

Head in Ass Syndrome

In this section we will cover some of the wide variety of situations this form of human abnormality can occurs. This injury is not confined to boating enthusiast, you will find it exist in many mainland situations as well. It just seems there is a disproportionate amount of these type of injuries among the fishing population of the United States!!! The first situation the weekend angler may run across one of these victims is at the local boat dock. There seems to be a recent outbreak of these situations in recent years with the increase of the Texas population purchasing boats for the first time. Said victims are easily recognized around the boat launches, in process of putting their boats in or out of the water. Some of the characteristic attributed to this decease are long lapses of concentration when performing even the simplest of task. With a seemly lack of preparedness when it comes to launching or taking their boats out of the water! People with this syndrome are also easily recognized from the blank look that comes across their faces when someone tries to offer suggestions to them. Association with people afflicted with this decease should be kept to a minimum, contact should only be brief enough to get patients boat out of the your way and then left to fend for themselves. Prolong contact has been known for the spread of the decease with whole boat launching areas becoming effected!!! The next situation we will cover is actual on the water experience of victims afflicted with this syndrome. Unfortunately people with this condition will usually find you out on the open water. They love to come into contact with normal people around their favorite fishing holes. And have been known to drive to within a few yards of healthy people, unconcerned with the welfare of those in other boats, another side effect of this decease. These afflicted victims can also be spotted along the various shorelines or in the bays with arms waving and shouting loudly trying to gain attention from unsuspecting normal fishermen. One final determining factor of people consumed with this perticular syndrome is their constant need of boat repair and getting stranded out on the waters. One method of curing these people with H.I.A is to calmly take patient by shoulders, and with both feet on victims rear, pull with steady force until head pops from cavity. But patients with long durations of this dreaded decease usually resort back to H.I.A within a matter of hours. Remember to follow special guidelines when coming into actual contact with these individuals. H.I.A is extremely contagious and contact should be kept to a minimal amount of time as possible.This decease is curable if caught early, be on the look out for young people afflicted with this syndrome. The most recommended form of treatment is usually a good butt whipping when patients are showing signs of the H.I.A syndrome.