cool days

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They spent
the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new
government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we
learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." President Clinton
frowned. "Russian roulette's not a nice, friendly game.

" The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good
relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He
pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were
ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he
told Clinton. This gained Clinton's immediate
attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought
occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?" The African
leader said "One of them is a cannibal."

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business

2. He lived at home until the age of 33

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,...

and his mother was sure he was God

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married

2. He never held a steady job

3. His last request was a drink

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus

2. He was always in trouble with the law

3. His mother did not know who his father was

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hand

2. He had wine with every meal

3. He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother

2. He had no permanent address

3. Nobody would hire him

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair

2. He walked around barefoot

3. He invented a new religion

Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.

Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am

not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you

were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur

while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some

PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the

BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.

This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when

you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still

talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk

away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen

to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom

The Best Reasons Ever For Not Exercising

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day

when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where

the she is.

2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that

I could hear heavy breathing again.

3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400

bucks. Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to show up.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain

figures out what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch

our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach

covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you

die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start

with a small country.

10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my

glass