Jokes of the Week
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time
was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was unused to the salt
in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami,
anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his
man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return
with a glass of water, but then came the time when
he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an
ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered
the wretched Abdul,
"White man sit on well."
More Cultural Diversity: Redneck Humor
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?
One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked,
"Dad, where did we come from?"
Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the
facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of
love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed
and finally how a child was born.
As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.
When Dad was finished, his son said,
Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me.
He said that he came from Detroit."
And on the same topic, from Connie O.
A little boy returning home from his first day at school
said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all
aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said,
"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
Switzerland's highest court has ruled that the Geneva Opera
company does not owe damages to soprano Yelena Prokina, who
was dismissed when she became pregnant. Prokina was to have
performed in the tragic opera "Pagliacci"
... So much for it not being over until the fat lady sings...
Australian police say a man tried to extort $60 million from
five countries by threatening to place bombs on planes and
in public places during the Sydney Olympics. Mehmet Akin
Kayirici, 35, of Sydney, was arrested on extortion...
FBI agents threw Richard Jewell to the ground and beat him
senseless, just in case
In Los Angeles, the lawyer for accused madam Jody "Babydol"
Gibson, who catered to Hollywod's rich and famous, said he
would name the men who allegedly paid for her services
because prosecutors were refusing to. "Babydol" is being
tried on nine counts of pimping and pandering, and her
lawyer believes prosecutors are operating a double standard
by keeping the names secret
Women selling themselves to rich and powerful men? Sounds
like a new show on Fox
Note to Charlie Sheen: sign that "Spin City" contract FAST
When Maria Shriver tried to ask John McCain a question last
night before his speech after the Super Tuesday results came
in, he barked; "Get out of here!" Then he walked by,
stopped, turned and loudly said; "Get out of here PLEASE! "
He thinks it's tough in a prison camp, wait'll Arnold gets
a hold of him
SPORTS ON TAP
In Florida, Pete Rose watched his son, Pete Rose Jr., get
two hits in a spring training game against his former team,
the Cincinnati Reds, on Tuesday
This was a tough game for Pete to watch - he didn't know
which team to bet against
DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT
A Columbian newspaper is reporting that a woman attempting
to smuggle a handgun into a prison stuck the weapon so far
up her rectum that it got caught in her colon, and had to be
... Not only that -- she had gas and accidentally shot six
"Today" show host Katie Couric on Tuesday allowed NBC to
broadcast footage of the inside of her own intestine to
spread awareness of colon cancer and urge people to get
screened for the disease
I guess they had a hole to fill in their schedule
It's not the best show I've seen, but it's right up there
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to make love to as
may French women as they could then say, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"
So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and
made love to a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine
months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"
She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it
syphilis. Vive la France!"
There was a man who spent 2 weeks each and every fall at deer camp.
His wife accused him of never hunting.
"You guys just go up there and play cards and drink for 2 weeks." she
"We do not," he replied. "We hunt hard!!"
"Then why have you never killed a deer?" she asked.
"I guess I just am not very lucky." was his response. That night the
wife packed her husbands things and the next morning he left for deer
At the end of 2 weeks he returned home, once again without a deer.
The wife told him again that all they do at deer camp is drink and
play cards to which he once again denied it.
"By the way," he said, "you forgot to pack my underwear for me."
"No I didn't!" she replied....."It's in your gun case!!!!!!"
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with
friends and took along a few pictures to show the
hostess. She looked at the photos and commented
"These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving
to go home he said "That was a delicious meal! You
must have a very good stove."
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in
logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing
up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his
balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs
down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?
If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between
here and there?
When you go into a hotel, you always see reception. Why do you never just
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they
get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They spent
the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new
government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we
learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." President Clinton
frowned. "Russian roulette's not a nice, friendly game.
" The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.
If you want to have good
relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He
pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were
ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he
told Clinton. This gained Clinton's immediate
attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought
occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?" The African
leader said "One of them is a cannibal."
YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN ...
- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind
- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get
the duct tape replaced.
- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get
accused of stealing.
- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88"
- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a
hundred dollars and a new stereo.
- Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.
- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before
parking your car.
- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing the following elements:
The prize-winning essay read:
'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"
Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,...
and his mother was sure he was God
Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hand
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you
were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur
while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.
This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when
you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still
talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk
away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen
to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
The Best Reasons Ever For Not Exercising
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where
the she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that
I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400
bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch
our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my
Compliments of the Bain and Red
Reports and others!!