Jokes of the Week

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the

playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child,

I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you

weren't warned." 


Cultural Diversity

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time

was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The Grand Emir was unused to the salt

in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami,

anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his

man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return

with a glass of water, but then came the time when

he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an

ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand


"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered

the wretched Abdul,

"White man sit on well." 


More Cultural Diversity: Redneck Humor

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and

a redneck?

The good ol' boy raises livestock.

The redneck gets emotionally involved.


What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?

Nice tooth!



One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked,

"Dad, where did we come from?"

Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the

facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of

love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed

and finally how a child was born.

As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said,

Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me.

He said that he came from Detroit."


And on the same topic, from Connie O.

A little boy returning home from his first day at school

said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational

theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all

aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment

form which he had brought home from school and said,

"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one

little square?"



Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...  


Switzerland's highest court has ruled that the Geneva Opera

company does not owe damages to soprano Yelena Prokina, who

was dismissed when she became pregnant. Prokina was to have

performed in the tragic opera "Pagliacci"…

... So much for it not being over until the fat lady sings...




Australian police say a man tried to extort $60 million from

five countries by threatening to place bombs on planes and

in public places during the Sydney Olympics. Mehmet Akin

Kayirici, 35, of Sydney, was arrested on extortion...

… FBI agents threw Richard Jewell to the ground and beat him

senseless, just in case…


In Los Angeles, the lawyer for accused madam Jody "Babydol"

Gibson, who catered to Hollywod's rich and famous, said he

would name the men who allegedly paid for her services

because prosecutors were refusing to. "Babydol" is being

tried on nine counts of pimping and pandering, and her

lawyer believes prosecutors are operating a double standard

by keeping the names secret…

… Women selling themselves to rich and powerful men? Sounds

like a new show on Fox…

… Note to Charlie Sheen: sign that "Spin City" contract FAST…


When Maria Shriver tried to ask John McCain a question last

night before his speech after the Super Tuesday results came

in, he barked; "Get out of here!" Then he walked by,

stopped, turned and loudly said; "Get out of here PLEASE!…"

… He thinks it's tough in a prison camp, wait'll Arnold gets

a hold of him…


In Florida, Pete Rose watched his son, Pete Rose Jr., get

two hits in a spring training game against his former team,

the Cincinnati Reds, on Tuesday…

… This was a tough game for Pete to watch - he didn't know

which team to bet against…


A Columbian newspaper is reporting that a woman attempting

to smuggle a handgun into a prison stuck the weapon so far

up her rectum that it got caught in her colon, and had to be

surgically removed…

... Not only that -- she had gas and accidentally shot six



"Today" show host Katie Couric on Tuesday allowed NBC to

broadcast footage of the inside of her own intestine to

spread awareness of colon cancer and urge people to get

screened for the disease…

… I guess they had a hole to fill in their schedule…

… It's not the best show I've seen, but it's right up there… 


During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to make love to as

may French women as they could then say, "In nine months

you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and

made love to a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine

months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it

syphilis. Vive la France!" 


There was a man who spent 2 weeks each and every fall at deer camp.

His wife accused him of never hunting.

"You guys just go up there and play cards and drink for 2 weeks." she

told him.

"We do not," he replied. "We hunt hard!!"

"Then why have you never killed a deer?" she asked.

"I guess I just am not very lucky." was his response. That night the

wife packed her husbands things and the next morning he left for deer


At the end of 2 weeks he returned home, once again without a deer.

The wife told him again that all they do at deer camp is drink and

play cards to which he once again denied it.

"By the way," he said, "you forgot to pack my underwear for me."

"No I didn't!" she replied....."It's in your gun case!!!!!!" 


An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with

friends and took along a few pictures to show the

hostess. She looked at the photos and commented

"These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving

to go home he said "That was a delicious meal! You

must have a very good stove."

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in

logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing

up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his

balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs

down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his




Great Imponderables


When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between

here and there?

When you go into a hotel, you always see reception. Why do you never just

see ception?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could

only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune

tellers take economists seriously?

If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they

get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells


How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader.  They spent
the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new
government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport.  Plus we
learned to drink vodka and play Russian  roulette."  President Clinton
frowned. "Russian roulette's not a nice, friendly game.

"  The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.   If you want to have good
relations with our country, you'll have to play.  I'll show you how."  He
pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were
ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he
told Clinton.  This gained Clinton's immediate
attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought
occurred to him.  "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"   The African
leader said "One of them is a cannibal."



- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind


- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get

the duct tape replaced.

- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get

accused of stealing.

- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88"


- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a

hundred dollars and a new stereo.

- Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before

parking your car.

- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.


This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise

essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion

2. Royalty

3. Sex

4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"


Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano.  Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but nest to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is rignt, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day ger no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


I hope I don't burn for this one!!

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business

2. He lived at home until the age of 33

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,...

and his mother was sure he was God


Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married

2. He never held a steady job

3. His last request was a drink


Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus

2. He was always in trouble with the law

3. His mother did not know who his father was


Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hand

2. He had wine with every meal

3. He worked in the building trades


Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother

2. He had no permanent address

3. Nobody would hire him


Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair

2. He walked around barefoot

3. He invented a new religion


Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.


Wait until I get out.


Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am

not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you

were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur

while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some


Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.


Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.


Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the



Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.


Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.

This was funny when you were two.


Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when

you were two this got a little tiresome.


If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still

talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk

away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen

to you when I am done.


And yes, I still love you.




The Best Reasons Ever For Not Exercising


1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day

when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where

the she is.


2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that

I could hear heavy breathing again.


3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400

bucks. Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to show up.


4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain

figures out what I'm doing.


5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch

our toes, he would have put them further up our body.


6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.


7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach

covers them.


8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you

die healthier.


9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start

with a small country.


10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my



Compliments of the Bain and Red Reports and others!!